October 30, 2014
I had a lovely day meeting with my friends and my clients – Father so many blessed souls and sacred moments to share – each a reflection of your creativity and glory. Lord, I hope You – whoever or whatever you really are – are not “angry” with me – I can’t seem to echo the “fundamentalist” Christian view that you need to “know” Jesus to be close to You – I have a hard time really defining “who” you are and Who Jesus is right now – the Spirit, the essence, the entity of Christ – truly what are You – Who are You ?– I shared these thoughts with my friends today and I also relayed a number of what I would consider transcendent experiences I believe I had with you when I was young, hence why I am a Christian today. I hope they speak for themselves – Rob definitely seems interested – Father, I ought to host a Bible Study – to share your Word – even if I “grapple” with the hard and nonsensical parts of it – whatever happened to me still utilizes this book of antiquity and it truly did “come to Life” for me during the times I was inquiring of you – Lord I hope that my conversation can be used despite my queries and my doubts and my shifting views. I keep waiting for a “Fundamentalist Christian” ax to fall on my new found blurred theology.
You still haven’t directly answered my question – is “life between life” a reality? – a metaphysical fact (however one could quantify this?) – if it is not, just what then are people truly experiencing? Would I be ready to accept and embrace that these occurrences be reduced to “tricks” of the Devil – just smoke screens and mirrors? I am really at a loss here. With all this new information, I still feel that what I am wading in is somewhat “murky’ waters and maybe I am “straying” too far – I don’t want to drown in any kind of deception and foolishness. What I am struggling with is – the doctrine of judgement as perceived by the religious right; the doctrine of judgement as presented by evangelical Christianity. The idea that you have to “forge” your faith to be a reflection of what the Church demands from a good Christian to have one Qualify to be a member of the “fold”. This doesn’t’ truly sit well with me. For all those souls who are atheistic but live by a high moral standard, for all those of different faiths that don’t profess to follow Jesus, how can they be excluded just because they “fail” to acknowledge Jesus as the ultimate deity of their lives – their God, their Saviour? If these theories that I am studying are not a “spiritual” reality how would you have me respond to them? Should I address my minister? ( tbh – he’s simply too busy. I don’t know what he could possibly do to ‘answer” my questions and I wonder if he truly could, can anyone?)
I don’t want to get bogged down in dogma and theological debate – how productive it is at the end of the day, I can’t really say – we all have opinions and history to pull our ideas and beliefs from – the question is whether their findings are really beneficial and clarifying for the “fold”. Will my relentless seeking benefit me in the long run? Why are there so many differing views and fragmented factions of the Christian faith? – we all are human so this we ALL have in common, but intelligence, knowledge and experience differ for all of us – and while we seek out our purpose or path in this life, the journey is going to be varied for each of us – therefore, our beliefs will be so too.
Lord, I don’t want to betray You or Your truth but in light of all I am learning and listening to where other people are on their journey’s – one mold does not fit all – there needs to be different spiritual shoes to fit different spiritual feet. Lord, I don’t’ want to be accused of being rebellious or “spiritless’ or heretical, I still wonder about the dream I had about the dying bird – was that an “omen” – was that a sign – did your Holy Spirit die within me or “tap” out? Lord I hope this isn’t so – I still feel I have to defend You via the lense that I have been given of You – so for all these “intuitive” souls – like D’s or A or K’’s psychic friend – are all these people hedging “hell and damnation’ because of the way they “see you and this world” – the activity they all engage in is considered an “abomonination” in the Bible – how can this be so? K, our local Reikki teacher, only wants to “help” people – is she consulting Stars – yes, but she also consults’ “You” too – so what gives? She’s had Jesus encounters. What about D and the “Reconnective’ Healing procedures – Lord – help me discern. I may have to make “hard choices” regarding such practices but I feel You have lead me here because now I am more “aware” of what others are “spiritually” experiencing. Lord – what about Anita Moorjani – who died and lived to “tell about it” and the kind of help she received from her deceased Dad and best friend – Lord – what about her experience – why doesn’t your Church offer “room” for people to share such experiences? Why are they considered so “heretical” – Lord I don’t approve of the “religious grip over the masses” – Your church shouldn’t be a “haven for those who desire “to control” others and their spiritual journey with You – I personally don’t truly feel your spirit moving through our services but the sheer consistency of the service format is comforting simply because of convention. Like being on a regular diet and proper sleep schedule, the repetitive offering of the service can be a “staple” in one’s life that is comforting and re-assuring – and of course – I do appreciate the “fellowship” – they are not a “clingy” bunch and they don’t get too upset if I don’t’ attend every once in a while. But aside from that – growth has come from outside this church body – spiritual stimulation has been found with my books and my other Chrisitian and non-Christian friends – your glory and love in action has been reveled and delighted in “elsewhere” on many occasions – I truly enjoyed my encounters with all the “souls” I visited with today – they have a “faith” but it is not expressed in the “born again, fundamentalist” way – they don’t profess to be “Jesus” followers but I can sense the “love of Christ” in them and I have received their “love” and felt it deeply – it’s precious – the exchange we had with each other today – just in simple greeting and the “delight” we had in seeing each other – this is a gift – maybe I make too much of such visits but how can I not – people are manifestations of Your stunning creativity – they are Your “artwork” and I take great pleasure by just being in their midst. I am not elevating them to God like status, I just enjoyed reveling in their presence – because they are “made” by You. I find Christians denounce or disregard each other’s true beauty because they see each of us “sinners and less than Godly creatures …somehow just common. I hate this. From the “twinkle in their eyes, the smell of their perfume, the warm handshake or hug or kiss of greeting on your cheek to affirming words and gracious thanks – exchange of deep conversation, the telling of stories and shared life experiences in which we can each identify, only deepens the “shared” bond of humanity we all have. Lord these “being” times are precious – the threat of eternal separation just because your friends fail to “invite” Jesus into their lives doesn’t make sense to me. They don’t aspire to know Jesus they way I was “taught” to seek Him, but they reveal Christ like qualities. How do we learn to “draw the Jesus” out of each other – somehow I think this is done by loving them and enjoying their company. I don’t profess to know how you “ultimately” save people or rather “reconcile” them to your Holy self just as I am not sure how You will do this for me either but I have “faith” that you are big enough, mysterious enough, vast enough to factor in how all of us will be drawn to You in the end. Not knowing You by my “so called” evangelical standards shouldn’t “disqualify” them from being in your presence. Who am I to determine this for them, what makes me think I ulitmately know? This is arrogant of me is it not? The intuitives, the psychics, the research on NDE’s and studies in hypnotherapy do not testify to any kind of “separation” – if anything they only substantiate the “inter-connected “ness” we all truly have – to You and to each other.
I won’t stop attending church – the hymns and the stories and the common threads that I share with the souls who attend are comforting to me and a source of familiarity. They are so far a “positive” staple in my life – and rightfully so – they ought to be – for what would be the point in attending and gathering each week? I am hoping that my presence there as well is as comforting to them too. As for all of my precious friends who don’t profess to be a Jesus follower – I still don’t’ feel that You are far from them – in fact I sometimes believe that You maybe closer to them than some of us who think we are.